A Journey Begginning

Where do I start?? I don't know where to begin to tell a story of how great life can be. The sweet & sour life story that is bitter than sea water. The simple truth that life has taught me.

It's been way too long since I've written my column for the Black Rock bulletin & I have to say the guilt of not finding the mojo to write my contributions has become quite unbearable. I don't know what made me lose my enthusiasm for this whole writing thing because I have plenty of things to write about and share with the rest of the world. But somehow I feel like I've found the reason why.

I am always striving for perfection & approval - some kind of acceptance. In everything that I do, I give my all trying to please other people to prove myself worthy enough to be ''around''. And this hit me in a very bad but educational way.

I work for an NGO, a community Radio Station. And on my arrival here I did the 2nd biggest programme on radio; the drive-time show. It was ok!! I received a lot of compliments & praises of which I am grateful for. But Ok??! I don't do ok; I do GOOD. I do BETTER & I do the BEST! It was always ok & I hated ok 'cause I wanted the BEST show not an 'OK' show. And because I felt this way I got myself a mentor, someone I thought was respected in the industry and was good at producing/presenting my kind of show. And not even long enough for me to remember, my so-called-mentor showed me that this is an entertainment industry! He let me down by being unprofessional and if you ask me about the mentorship, well it never amounted to anything. And because the only thing I knew about Radio was its theory and writing ideas down, I screamed on top of my voice and lungs until my manager didn't want to listen to me anymore. Her excuse was...(I don't even remember it except that she just got really tired of me and my ''creative'' complaints to get me out of her department). Since my unhappiness here I have joined the admin department, an experience I don't wanna share! I know you might be feeling confused & asking yourself WTF??

Well one thing I have learned about life is that we waste a lot of time and sometimes it is good to waste time but only when you make it worth your while. I have waisted a great deal of time being here but I am happy because I made the most of it and I have to add I did enjoy each moment as it was valuable to me in everyway. People always say that quitting is not an option and that is true. Quitting for me was not an option but part of the plan. Now where I am at in life I am loving myself and I am learning to extend this love to others in every encounter. No matter who we are, what we do & where we live: We all have our own unique journeys. Mine began the day I was born, the day I was conceived in my mother's womb and I can tell you now that that fact alone-that I was born- makes me worthy enough to be here. I have nothing to prove so that I can be called ''good-enough''. And my wish right now is for you to realise and believe the same thing about yourself. Even if you went through something more challenging than me just know and remember that we are each responsible for our own life- no other person is or ever will be. In your own life you might be feeling very lonely, like a failure with people judging you and calling you unworthy.

Well you can feel all the sad you like but somehow you need to acknowledge the things that are happening in your life and ask yourself why they are there. Heal the wounds of your past so you can continue living your own life the way you were designed to. Remember that you don't need anyone's approval to follow your heart and to follow your dreams. Your thoughts right now, your intention of everything you do, the reaction you have on everything happening in your life, your attitude; will all determine the person you want to become in the next minute and forward-And let that be the person you want to be.

Choose your heroes carefully. I chose a hero & he let me down! In these times exceptional role-models are difficult to find. The world we live in has now become common-place to idolize even the most dishonourable of individuals all because of the titles they hold with us thinking they are experts in their fields. Don't undermine your own potential. As I lift my eyes in search of a guide, I realise I am my own guide with God in front of me. Through this journey; I am following. And if you are wondering (like me) about where to start, you start right where you are.

ASANDA MCOYANA

And then i will always wonder.

I am turning 22 years on Mandela day & I am extemely excited. Growing up is daunting kodwa very exciting because of all the suprises life throws @ you as you grow up. And as much as growing up is exciting I always ask myself why does a person have to grow. Not that I have a problem with change, just that as you grow up you do things you never would have thought doing as a child.

You go to the disco in high school, you date, you club, fail & pass your exams with flying colours & you remain proud. People come in & out of your life uncontrollably. You cry, you laugh, you stay excited. You fall in & out of love with the passing of minutes like there is no tomorrow. And through it all I've learnt & accepted that that is just how life is.

In my 21 years of existence I've learnt that the way you carry yourself will determine the way people treat you. I am not talking about people who judge or treat you like a nobody. I am talking about those who will always admire you, appreciate you, guide you; they do all those things for you 'cause they know you are worthy of all that respect.
In turning 22 years I really hope & wish that growing up will be worth it @ the end of the day & that even though I cannot understand now why the universe unfolds the way it does, I will rejoice & say I'm loving to be Asanda Mcoyana- like I do now :-)